A Lot Can Happen At An Altar

A lot can happen at an altar.

You lay something down.

You pick something up.

You feel pressed down on every side.

You keep coming back.

And one day, that thing that drove you to your knees, it gets turned around.

You see it redeemed.

I have come to the altar many times.  Sometimes I just kneel at my seat, and sometimes, I've stood on my chair, hopped off the back (and tripped ever so elegantly) to run there.

There's no casualness at the altar.

You are all in.


When my son was an infant, I came to the altar, and laid down my pride.  I knew I wasn't up to the task if I had any doubts about my relationship to the One about whom I would be teaching my child.  After almost two decades of fear, I went up to the altar, and later that night, I was immersed again in the baptismal waters--not saved by them-- but freed, finally, from any niggling doubts about my obedience to the Lord. I was not saved that day-- I do believe it happened at age 10-- but I was free.  Absolutely assured. Done and done.

Once again, I came to God's altar, just a few carpeted stairs, when my second child was a few months old.  She was being dedicated that day and the extended family was gathered around to witness this happy day.  I smiled, posed for pictures, and even hosted a party.  On the inside, I was hanging on by a thin thread.  A very thin one.

Looking back now, I see that I was smack dab in the middle of my own personal sifting, which is church talk for going through a really, really hard time all the while believing/hoping/wondering if it is being used for a greater purpose. For your benefit even. And for God's glory.

 I was drowning in anxiety.

I said the right things, and I did the right things, but I was petrified.

Take postpartum anxiety, coupled with what I absolutely believe to be spiritual warfare; two children under two, plus your child's undiagnosed autism and increased work responsibilities for your spouse and you are well on you way to either a breakdown or a breakthrough.  But something's breaking.

I think I did both.

My pride broke, again.

Who I thought I was broke.

Who I hoped I could be, for a time, broke.

I daily questioned if my mind broke.

Even my joy broke.

The only thing that remained constant was my unshakable faith in a personal and constant God.

*

I talked to my doctor, and a Christian counselor.  That was probably the hardest and scariest thing I'd ever done.

I wasn't impervious to life, and I needed help.

Life is hard and everyone needs help.  Even and especially people who've had it pretty easy their whole life.  That'd be me.

Bit by bit, I came out of that hard time.  I sloughed it out. I wore out my little book of helpful bible verses.  I treated them like the lifeline they were. I prayed and prayed. And it got worse before if got better. But it did get better.

I emerged from the fog, stronger and with a faith and family intact.

That second child, and that hard time, continue to teach me.

God turned it around.

**

My daughter Sarah, who was dedicated at the altar on May 29, 2010 walked the aisle to it again and proudly announced her belief in Jesus and was baptized a few weeks later on Mother's Day, May 8, 2016.

God turned it around.  

This child that I fought for, did battle for, in my spirit and my mind, that I still worry I don't give a full and fair share of my attention to--- God chose her. He saved her. He called her little six year old heart to His.

Without any help from me. 

God turned it around.

Big time.

Thinking about Five

Sarah,

I started mentally composing some heartfelt sentiments today as I rode home from bible study.  I've been meeting with this large group for about six years, and our first study was when I was pregnant with the girl in my house turning five this Saturday.  We were studying Esther, and we've looped back around to the same study.  So I was thinking trite-but-true things about mothers and daughters and  I'm Everything I Am (Because You Loved Me) as I headed to pick up some cupcakes to bring to your preschool. And to order your Frozen cake for the party. And a box of cake mix for the family this weekend. And how absurd that actually is but who cares.

Every day, I keep a running list of all the things I should be doing better with you:

A consistent chore routine...  Scripture memory... So many books read at bedtime... How your hair looks... Getting you to say "ma'am" automatically when another adult speaks to you... If you have enough activities in your formative years... If I've set terrible eating practices for you... Why we don't have enough precious conversations about the mystery of heaven...  Should you still be having such meltdowns when you lose a privilege and hear a final "no"...

Sometimes, I lose my temper and tell you to just deal with it and I worry that you'll be completely ruin't and what if you never learn to read/be responsible/get dressed in less than 5 minutes?

These are important things and I can worry that I've just been phoning it in with you three.  Then I remember that  I've also feed you and sheltered you and affirmed you.  And that's a lot.

Plus, there's one thing we've done really well:

We've delighted together.  In some small way, usually a moment of holding hands, you reaching out; me taking a moment to break from the tyranny of the urgent to give you what you want most: my undivided attention.

We've have fashion shows and dance parties and teas and picnics and couch cuddles.  We shake our booties with some authority.

When you smile with the single dimple on your heart-shaped face, it's everything the poets say much better than me.

Here's what I want to say to you, Sarah, whether or not you read Mom's blog one day or it's just downloaded to the microchip in your head I'm sure we'll be getting in the future.  Along with the hooverboard.

When you're the next big 5-- and the next, and the next, I hope you see yourself the way I see you today.  I hope you still see me the way you see me today.  And I hope I see myself the way you see me.

Because we think the other is just the cutest thing ever.

And I hope that never changes.

 The strong, stubborn spirit, your pride in and encouragement for your brother, your mercurial way of wanting to show Sis everything and then to be.left.alone.  The way that once you are comfortable with someone, you are unafraid to be the center of attention.  It's who you are at five.  I hope to never snuff that out.


I love you oh-so-much.  Happy Birthday, Big Girl.


Mom

A Budding Conversationalist

Sarah is quite the chatterbox these days.  Before I forget, here are some of her favorite sayings:

"Come here, Mom!"

"Sit down, now! (as she points her finger down... she hears this one from me a lot)

"Where's brother?"

"I naked!!!!" (as she runs out of the bathtub)

"It's broke...it's working?"  (any toy that's out of batteries or not working as expected)

"I can do it!" (as she climbs the bunk bed ladder)

"T REX!"  (She loves Dinosaur Train, and we look through a Seek and Find book each day with the characters)

The girl is just something.  In the last month, she has smeared Vaseline on the bathroom walls, colored the carpet with crayon, and will chew anything.  The girl is part beaver.  Her crib rails are gnawed to the bare wood.

I'm not sure which parent she will face off with more as she grows.  She is very stubborn and resistant to discipline.  She crosses her arms and avoids your gaze when you are reprimanding her.  She will say "sorry" but all the time-outs and fanny spankings I could give her cannot make her say "Yes, Mommy" when I try to get her to agree her actions are wrong.  Hmmm.

That said, she is such a delight.  So full of life and fun.  So dramatic, such a  little girl. She makes the cutest gestures.   Definitely her own little person with a will and point of view.  Free with her kisses and gives the best fierce hugs. 

I wouldn't change her-- most of the time.  What a joy she is.  My beautiful big girl.

Mini Milestones

Sarah is 15 months and 2 days old, 21 pounds & 14 ounces, and 29 inches long.  She is in the 60th percentile for weight, the 81st for height, and the 42nd for weight to height.  Doing great with her speech and she is a champ walker and stair climber.  You should see the girl strut.  I'll have to put up a video clip.
Sarah graduated to a big girl backpack in anticipation of Parents' Morning Out in September (holla!) and Jeremiah has been in his bed without guard rails for a month or more.

We took a picture on Palm Sunday outside our church to document Sarah's sweet sailor suit from Aunt Susan.  Yes, we are purposefully coordinated and I'm not apologizing.  I fully embrace the matchy-matchy.

With Apologies to the Brethren...

Mama may be a Gator grad, but a smart girl dresses for the men in her life.  The ones who write the checks! 
I love my Daddy, my Papa, and my Grandpa!

Made to Live For You

If a picture is worth a thousand words, a montage must be better!

Time In A Bottle...

My sweet baby girl turns one in a week.   Last January, our Sunday School class had a marriage conference and we are going through marriage topics again this year.  I feel like we were just preparing to go the hospital.  And now she's taken her first steps just this Friday.  She's just gotten her front two teeth.  She's saying "uh oh".  Pointing.  Waving.  Being a total spitfire.  The child has more baby dolls than you can shake a stick at.  Several options for her birthday party outfit.  May even have a wardrobe change midway through her Princess Belle party.  Ah, time.  Just can't stop it.  And I guess I wouldn't really want to. 

There are first days of school.  Recitals, hopefully.  Cute boys on the playground.   Just the right outfit.  Doing the mall crawl.  Girl Scouts.  Disney World.  Boy bands.  Crushes.  Dances.  Sleepovers.  Memorizing lines to cheesy girl movies.  Best friends.  Barbies.  Childhood.

I can't wait.  It makes those hard days of missed naps, achy teeth, poopy diapers, and crying jags worth it.

All my love to sweet Sarah Anne.  Your mama and daddy love you.  

Mom Monday

I love the expressions in these last two shots.  Guileless. Sarah is now 7 months.  She has been sitting up since 5 months and seems on the verge of crawling.  Her first upper tooth has cut the surface in the last two weeks.  She is really babbling now, and making the 'da' sound.  She inhales her jar food and can pick up puffed rice with her fists. 

Jay has his open house tomorrow.  I say that owning up to the fact that I used to think preschool for children under the age of five was absurd.  I was wrong. Mea culpa.  Well, it is a luxury, and certainly he'd be just fine without it, but I'm really glad for him and for me. I look forward to him making some buddies and having a little world of his own.   He can count to 14, and recognizes some letters and  sings parts of the alphabet song.  He can recognize red,  green, blue, orange, and pink.  His most frequent sentences are: "I get the car,"  "Want it," and  "More Toy Story."  I'm working on scaling back the cartoons. It's hard! 

He remembers a lot more than I would imagine.  We've been to the car dealership 3 times this year for maintanience and he knows that there is a cart that should have popcorn.  There was none made this visit and he inquired about it no less than 50 times.  We pumped the snack machine with money twice.  We also checked out the Z370 convertible. 

That's the news from our homefront.

She's Got Personality!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdIZYenjDow

I Like 'em Plumpin'

Me and Moto Moto.  We like our girls chunkin' and plumpin' (Moto Moto is a hippo in Madagasgar II: Escape from Africa).

Sarah's 4 Month Stats:
24 1/2 inches long
12 pounds, 9 ounces
16 inches head circumference

27 percentile for weight
61 percentile for height
8 percentile height to weight (up from the 1st percentile)
41 percentile for head circumference

I took her 4 month picture with teddy on another camera, so I'll post some in her exersaucer and in her chair.  I hope I can post the 4 month ones... she's on her tummy with her head up and SO cute!

Brotherly Love

Tackle = Hug

Being helpful

Giving Sarah her "papi"

Sarah's 2 Month Pictures

Sarah and Teddy at 2 months

What expression would you call this?

GO Sarah!

Just plain sweet

Sarah's Stats

At Two Months:

23 1/4 inches long (83rd percentile)
10.4 pounds (1st percentile height to weight)

Tall and skinny!   Please don't worry Grandmas and Aunts.  She's fine!  I'll eat my Wheaties to bulk her up.

Taking her 2 month picture today if I can.  She had 6 shots/vaccines yesterday.  One was the Rotavirus, which is supposed to prevent dehydration if she gets a bad stomach bug, but also bothered her stomach last night.  So no picture in her cute overalls on her actual 2 month birthday.  No biggie.

We got to eat lunch today with a great girl and her kids from church.  So nice to have real conversation instead of a virtual one.

Hey, leave a comment today.   Would love to hear from you.

Fire Trucks and Dollies

Sarah's Birth Day

Or, How I Accidentally Became a "Blue Ribbon Birther".

A B.R.B. is someone who gives birth 'naturally' or without the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals. With Jay,  I was induced on a Wednesday evening.  We had 3 DVDs rented, mood music selected, hard candies packed.  The pit drip started at 6 a.m., hard contractions starting at noon, drugs at 1, epidural at 3:30, baby boy at 5:09 p.m.  The epidural progressed my labor from 3 cm dilated to complete and ready to push.  It was a wonderful birth and there was no time to be anxious.  With Sarah's birth, I was hoping to experience going into labor on my own, and I sure got my wish!

I began to feel mild labor pains sporadically beginning Wednesday.  I got Jay's leftover stomach bug Thursday, which I really thought was early labor.  By Saturday, I was having a contraction about once an hour.  I tutored for a few hours, did regular Saturday chores.  I had that last nesting impulse and we got all Sarah's princess pictures hung at 8 p.m. and we turned in at 10.  I was thinking to myself that I wished I had gone to bed earlier because labor seemed around the corner.  By midnight, I knew it would be a sleepless night.  I hemmed and hawed about calling our friends from Sunday School, who offered to watch Jay due to the hospital's ban of kids under 17 visiting because of  the H1N1 paranoia.  But I really didn't think we'd actually be dropping off the wild man around 2:30 in the morning, very much awake.  They have two young children and have earned extra jewels in their crowns in my eyes!

So, we gas up the mini-van on E at 2:45 a.m., and walk (hobble) into the hospital.  Now, we had pre-registered, but still had to sit in the dumb waiting chairs for 20 minutes reiterating the same information.  Don't you think a lady who says she's in labor deserves to be wheeled back and the paperwork handled bedside?  I do.

Thankfully, I seem to get very self-controlled in extreme times.  The nurse that examined me said she thought that we'd be sent home because I wasn't acting like a raving woman.  Because when I got into my hospital gown, I was already 8 cm dilated!  I was moved to the labor room (still without a wheelchair) and got all the needed personnel and supplies order 'cause the baby was a-comin'.  Now, since I had a great experience with an epidural, I was hesitant to go without one this time, though I knew that I was so close to delivery.  Sure enough, I was about 30 seconds away from the big shot when my water broke.  Alex could hear me moaning outside the room and was a little scared to come in.  His exact words were, "I wanted to cry."  Right before my body took over and my fear crept in, I reminded him with humor, "I want diamonds."  Girlfriend don't do natural labor for nothin'.

It was go time.  The kicker was that my doctor wasn't at the hospital. Meaning I was expected to "hold it".  Mmm, hmm.  Telling that to a laboring woman is like telling her to be a blue elephant.  I can sure try, but it ain't gonna happen.  I held on for maybe 2 contractions, and then Ms. Sarah decided she was tired of waiting.  I got the "go" to push because her head had already made its entrance.  I gave a half-hearted push, and out she came, caught by the sweet nurses. 

I AM WOMAN.

I never thought I would say this, but in the words of many a B.R.B., a woman's body is designed to give birth.  You can do it!  Now, I would never dissuade someone from availing herself of pain relief.  I had both experiences and both were wonderful.  But, I definitely had a very demonstrative and heartfelt worship session when Sarah was born. And didn't look stoned.   It is probably the closest thing to an out-of-body experience I'll have.

 That's my labor story.  A wild and hairy day.  A best day.

Look what the LORD has done!

His Banner Over Me...

Is Love.

That's what was in my mind after delivering Sarah.  So much to say, but that will suffice for now.

Here's a link to her baby pictues, taken about 6 hours after her arrival!

http://www.bellababyphotography.com/

password: 0117sarahanne

2 reasons...

So, I'm sitting in my p.j.s and bathrobe at 10:45 a.m. (classy). So, before I put on my big girl clothes and tackle the household grind, here's why I haven't posted for a while.

1. I lost my transfer cable to upload pictures to my computer. I need to buy another one.

2. I was holding on to my big news which is that I'm pregnant. (!) This isn't really news to anyone who reads this, but nevertheless. :) Due January 17th! No morning sickness, just horse pill aversion. The only time I am sick is when I try to take my Omega 3 gel-cap.

The month of May was mostly spent doing as little as humanly possible and thankfully I have snapped out of that. Of course, I am still in jammies.

I got my hair cut. It's sassy. Jeremiah is my little star, but can drive me crazy I have to admit. He really is aware now. He is both the sweetest child ever and the most spoiled. He certainly can pull a 'tude. He can SCREAM! He's cutting his year molars, so he likes to nibble at mama. Sometimes it's a kiss or a raspberry, but sometimes it's a bite. :(

I'll work on getting the pictures uploaded. That's most of the fun for me.

Random tip: Check out www.e-mealz.com. We've started using meal planning website, and it is working!